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Feature 3

Jackass – The Guy Who Goes to the Gym to Play on his Phone

May 7, 2018 by Jim Stalker

Smartphones – Jackass Trouble Spot

Examples of mobile phones and jackassery teaming up to make magic are legion. They are, indeed,  a match made in heaven. Where there is a cell phone/smartphone, you can be sure that a jackass is nearby.
We’ve chronicled several beautiful examples of this finely-tuned humanity before:

  • They always have a Bluetooth earpiece in their ears, jackass.
  • The jackass who talks on their phone while sitting on the public toilet.
  • And Jackass Number One, Loud Talking Cellphone Guy, a 21st Century Icon.

Well, guess what? Since then, we have discovered yet another gem of extreme self-centeredness to toss upon that smoldering bonfire of oblivious rudeness that is the Jackass personality’s staple. In this case, the guy who goes to the gym to play on his phone.

A New Jackass

He’s at the gym. He was dressed to work out. Best, he is on the equipment. Ready to go. Most annoying, he may be fit and have genetically low body fat.
But wait, he has seemingly mission-critical things to do on his smartphone. This phone activity takes all his concentration between sets. So, without knowing it, the machine he’s using, which should take five minutes, now requires thirty. This completely inhibits any turn you or anyone else were expecting to get on it.
Best of all, in pure jackass form, you have no recourse but to endure this jackassery and wait. A simple fix like asking to “work in” is beyond question. That is not going to happen. Jackass here.
That is because he also has his headphones on, and with them, a do-not-disturb cloud of zombie death surrounds him. Everything in this jackass persona screams, “Leave me alone; I’m a busy big shot! I have things I need to multitask now.”

The Root Cause

For this JA and many others, I suppose, working out is mostly a nuisance – something you do in between those super important Facebook posts and updates.
And what about conscientiousness and common decency? Nowhere to be found in the jackass. The lack of either essentially defines them.

Take Action

So, what to do?
First, be sure you’re not that jackass. May I assure you that you can go without your phone for the time it takes to exercise? Go ahead and make that break from the information highway torrent. You will survive. Plus, it will do you right.
Second, seek out alternate exercises that do not need equipment—especially those with benches or seats (a.k.a. jackass resting places).
So, dust off the burpees and push-ups. Or, for that matter, any other exercises that are both hard and equipment free. Those will get in better shape faster, anyway. Best of all, you’ll be jackass free because of the necessary work!

Filed Under: Feature 3, 1001 Jackasses

Columbia House Record Club

August 22, 2017 by Jim Stalker

This past week it was announced that you could no longer buy 11 albums for one penny. Columbia House – the most famous of the “record clubs” of the 1970’s – finally called it quits.

More lament for this aging baby boomer watching fond memories from childhood goes “poof” in front of my eyes.

Several weeks ago, I shared similar sentiments about how the modern-day versions of what we used to call “stereos” suck. For those who were there and remembered, there was nothing like cranking the first Boston album on a pair of 12-inch 3-ways with at least 100 watts RMS.

Sorry, earbuds and compressed digital streams don’t compete with the stereo sound filling a room when two properly staged giant speakers are cranked up. I can’t help but think the vinyl version of Skrillex and Justin Bieber would sound better through a pair of Acoustic Research 3a stereo speakers than when you stream it to a single Sonos.

Does anyone seriously argue this?

The Long Playing (LP) record.

The far bigger lament is for the record album. I’m not talking about the vinyl; I’m talking about the album itself. The packaging was a big part of the LPs appeal. The 12 x 12 canvas provided ample space to provide information about the songs, the musicians, and other recording details. In some rare instances, there were bizarre “liner notes.” Plus, the cover itself was sometimes considered “art.”

When viewed during playback, the album could transport the listener to another world. This experience was a bit of shamanistic magic, mainly when the double album served as a rolling tray.

Former Rolling Stone record critic turned filmmaker Cameron Crowe captured this magic in his film “Almost Famous.” The scene where his 13-year-old protagonist drops the needle on the Who’s “Sparks” –  well, that is a great cinematic moment that reflected the experience of so many music-loving baby boomers.

The Record Club Itself.

The Columbia House Record Club first brought this “magic” to me. 11 albums for a penny? Impossible!!!

I spent hours upon hours looking at the Columbia House ads in anticipation of marking up which 11 records I’d buy if I could. Once I had a paper route (and steady income), my parents agreed to sign me up and let the then 12-year-old buy his 11 records.

Then that big box arrived. It was incredible. It was perhaps the best day of my young life.

That first order had some incredible records in it. “The History of Eric Clapton, ” “The Who – Who’s Next,” “Elton John – Honky Chateau,” and “Yes – Close to the Edge,” to name a few. In my teens, I would go on to buy hundreds of albums, frittering away my youth, looking at the album artwork, and trying to discern the meaning of the lyrics while reading them. I’m not alone in saying these albums, significantly “Jackson Browne – Late for the Sky” and “The Who – Quadrophenia,” helped me make it through high school.

Conclusion.

These record clubs get a bad rap for their “negative option billing” practice. This requirement would automatically send members each month the “featured” album (unless they returned the card saying they didn’t want it). I didn’t mind, as it meant more records for my collection and exposure to new music. There was no Rhapsody then.

One last thing, unfortunately, I initially had to play these outstanding records on my parent’s ginormous Magnavox console system – the modern stereo was yet to come.

magnavox console

RIP – Columbia House!

Filed Under: Feature 3

Our 8 year-old wants to get “Ripped!”

June 3, 2013 by Jim Stalker

She was initially published in July 2010.

My wife had fallen asleep in the hotel room. Our eight-year-old, who we allow watch TV on trips like this, was transfixed by an infomercial.

“Daddy, you have GOT to see this,” our son said, shaking me out of what was nearly sleep, “and we have got to order this, now, and we have to hurry because I want to be RIPPED!”

On the screen was some guy, sans shirt, named Shaun T. He was encouraging his class to “dig deeper” and to “go for it” in what he was calling the “most intense workout of your life!”

MTV-style manic edits with cameras zooming in and out on ultra-fit models with perfectly chiseled abs made it seem legit. T’s “revolutionary system” for getting in the “shape of your life” looked as easy as watching a few DVDs (and making the three easy payments).

I became intrigued. I watched some more.

I suppose I should be horrified that our eight-year-old is both aware of and concerned with a narcissistic pursuit like getting ripped. But let’s face it; being smart is one thing. But being wise and being able to lift your shirt to reveal a six-pack – well, that is when you know you have reached the top of the USA’s success pyramid.

I was delighted with my son’s enthusiasm for something other than a video game.

“Daddy, this is something you, me, and mommy could do together!” he said. Imagine that…adding, “We can all get ripped together as a family!” Tears welled up in my eyes. Well, not really – that sounds good.

“Daddy, this could be my present for graduating second grade!”

Are you graduating in second grade? What the heck? I swear, the world has gone crazy. Since when was advancing from 2nd to 3rd grade something to put on the calendar?

But guess what? On his last day of second grade, I presented him with Shaun T’s Insanity. He was giddy beyond belief.

Me well, I was looking over my shoulder for Child Protection Services (CPS) to bust in and cuff me for encouraging such extreme narcissism at a young age.

Then again, exercise isn’t such a bad thing. I met my wife while teaching a high-impact aerobic class. Maybe this will be fun for the family to do together!

Now, if only we could balance Insanity with his Happy Meal consumption, our son would be ripped in no time!

Filed Under: Feature 3

Jackass #3 – The Guy who Invented the Timeshare

November 3, 2011 by Jim Stalker

Timeshares got their start in the late 1970s. This was when drunk people in leisure suits thought becoming a 1/52nd owner of a condo was a great idea – maybe even a significant “investment!”

Timeshares, it turns out, are a freaking rip-off. Nothing more than another money-making scam for investors and developers who are now long gone. Can you say Charles Keating?

Google “timeshare resale,” and you’ll see that people are giving them away today. I know individuals who bought one for literally 1 dollar.

Why do these timeshares suck so bad that people are giving them away?

  • Annual fees – you could get a decent hotel room for the equivalent of the yearly “maintenance” fee. Better yet, this is without the strings of a fixed place and time.
  • Self-serve administration – you need an enigma machine to decipher the rules for “keeping your week” or “converting your points.” You best be savvy. Otherwise, you’ll “losing your time” will be all you’ll get for your costly maintenance fees!
  • Nickel and Dime-ing– welcome to the world of the “reservation fee,” “split-week fee,” “transfer fee,” and “cancellation fee” all incurred when using the website!

Most of these timeshares were sold using the most high-pressure tactics around. A  “free” weekend at a “resort” turned into a 4+ hour sales pitch that would make used-car salespeople blush. Appeals like “isn’t your family worth $50 a week (over ten years) to guarantee you’ll spend time together?”

Insulting. Only a jackass could say such a thing with a straight face.

Oh, and while you are googling “timeshare resale,” go ahead and put in “timeshare litigation,” and you’ll find 285,000 results.

A great moment in jackass history was the invention of the timeshare!

 

Filed Under: 1001 Jackasses, Feature 3

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